Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Why Everyone Should Have Kids

Immersion therapy. You become immune to poop and vomit and blood. So if you ever have to take a job as a fish gutter or a janitor at an amusement park, you’re all set.

Not really crazy, see? You can talk to yourself all you want and people just think you’re talking to your kids.

Bobby is sick. You never have to stay the full time at a boring party ever again. One of your kids is almost always sick anyway, and you don’t even have to blame the fake illness on your spouse!

The dog is off the hook. You’ve got someone new to blame your farts on.

Lice, nature's gift. Know someone who doesn't respect your personal space? Watch how fast they back away when you utter the L-word. Also works when friends want to come over but you're feeling too lazy to clean your house or put on a bra.

You can have a legacy. Share all those fart jokes you learned in grade school – with an audience that actually finds them funny.

There's also a bunch of crap about deep and abiding love and junk, but really, the resurrection of your fart jokes is all the reason you need.